Book of Spook - Hitshappens Chronicles I

Hitshappens Chronicles I
(this page is one of many writings from the Book of Spook, with its main topic concerning the Skeleton War)

 The original source to this work can be found at this link
 * 1) In the long past year of 2013, the great archaeologist @dril discovered an inscription in a skeleton tomb.
 * 2) This inscription revealed that failure to inscribe "rest in peace" on a tomb would result in the drafting of an individuals undead body into an unholy ward.
 * 3) This one inscription blew the lid on one of the most well hidden secrets of all time: the Skeleton war.
 * 4) Tumblerite historians have managed to piece together bits of the skeleton war history, but only their insights on the first half of the war are true.
 * 5) The historian Conspiicuouss tells of how In 1640, the two skeleton factions declared war upon one another.
 * 6) The Hiders, followers of the old ways, sought to rest forever in peace to keep the flesh-beings free from the knowledge of what happens after death.
 * 7) The Tricksters, on the other hand, sought to roam the earth, being as spooky as possible.
 * 8) The leader of the Tricksters, Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen, managed to rally many of the skeleton numbers in order to form a mighty army.
 * 9) He sought to crush the flesh-beings, and any skeletons who stood in his way.
 * 10) The Hiders opposed this, but their passive nature ensured their leadership would not be very effective.
 * 11) By some miracle, they managed to cough up a nobody by the name of Bill Jameson to lead them.
 * 12) Jameson was considered by many to be an awful bore, but his action in the coming war would lead many to question if he had merely been pretending the whole time.
 * 13) Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen was an able leader, considered by many to be highly charismatic and awe-inspiring.
 * 14) The truth of the matter is he was so caught up in himself, he often made grave errors.
 * 15) When Werbenjagermanjensen and Jameson met before the battle, Werbenjagermanjensen sought to show off on his fancy motorcycle.
 * 16) Jameson merely threw a bag over his head and dragged his bones back to the Hiders trenches. And so the battle began.
 * 17) Without their great leader, the Tricksters took heavy casualties despite outnumbering the Hiders 100 to 1.
 * 18) For generations the battle raged. From here, the history has been corrupted.
 * 19) According to the Tumblerite historian Britney, Werbenjagermanjensen and Jameson both perished in the war.
 * 20) With the death of both of these leaders, the skeleton warriors united to fight the supposed threat of fuccbois.
 * 21) According to the mysterious Britney, the skeletons sought only to destroy boys who creepily hit on girls and wanted nudes.
 * 22) Britney claimed the feminist were now in alliance with the skeletons to rid the world of fuccbois.
 * 23) Tumbler rejoiced, eager to take any chance they could to combat the cis-white males they so hated.
 * 24) But Britney was a deceiver. She had not told the full story.
 * 25) This ancient cave drawings reveals the true nature of the skeletons.
 * 26) The deceiver Britney claimed the skeletons only sought to destroy the fuccbois, but this comic clearly depicts skeletons assaulting a brave hero in order to claim his skeleton for their army.
 * 27) Why would a human allow for such outrageous lies to be said? Because Britney was not who she seemed.
 * 28) With war declared on the fuccbois, Mr. Skeltal arose as a trumpet tooting champion of the Skeletons.
 * 29) His overwhelming charisma led to his elevation to near god-like status.
 * 30) A look into his history, however, reveals that noone really knows where he came from. This is because his true name is Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen.
 * 31) With hundreds of years to converse, Jameson and Werbenjagermanjensen decided it was time to unite the skeletons in order to combat the fleshlings.
 * 32) A plan was devised to feign both of their deaths.
 * 33) Werbenjagermanjensen would be reborn as the general and leader of the people.
 * 34) Meanwhile, Jameson would take on the psudonym Britney in order to spread propoganda.
 * 35) Their plan was to divide and conquer the fleshlings bit by bit. The began by capitalizing on the blind hatred many Tumblerites feel for white-cis males, and so they claimed the fuccbois were their enemy.
 * 36) The Tumblerites eagerly ate up the skeleton culture and soon became pawns of the skeletons that glorified skeleton culture.
 * 37) With the Tumblerites enraptured, it seemed humanity would slowly consume itself under the influence of the Skeletals, but an unlikely protagonist led to the uncovering of new hope.
 * 38) The schizophrenic pokemon master red from the Historical Twitch plays pokemon aggregated human knowledge and revealed the three true gods: Lord Helix, Lord Dome, and RNGesus.
 * 39) Lord Helix, the creator, Lord Dome, the destroyer, and RNGesus, the operator put their backing behind the flesh-beings so that the skeleton armies could be crushed.
 * 40) Through dice rolls and crits, RNGesus revealed the treachery of the Skeletons and has allowed the humans to mount a counter attack.
 * 41) The skeletals have convinced us that they are friendly by claiming they no longer seek to be spooky, but rather, prefer to be dooty.
 * 42) They show themselves as incapable warriors desiring only to have fun. But the truth is, the skeletals are training.
 * 43) As the skeletals lull us into a false sense of security, they are capitalizing on our milk to make their bones strong. While we make OC and laugh at their skeletal antics, the Skeletals train to become strong. We must become even more powerful. So, my fellow flesh-beings, train hard and bring glory to our lord RNGesus.